Protect Our Men
I’m going to kick this off by just saying that I love men. I love the way they think, I love the way they express themselves, I love their humour, their thought process and I love being around them. My brother is my favourite person, my male role models growing up were the best of men. (I realise what a privilege it is to be able to say that and it’s something I’m grateful for every day.) I still have huge respect for the man I married, he’s the father of my child and is a beautiful influence on mine and my daughters’ life despite us not being together anymore.
You could say that I am fascinated by them - perhaps because of the difference they provide me to my very feminine way of thinking and being. I treasure my male friendships to the core and the advice my male counterparts give me often offers a different perspective that centres me in its direct black and white, wrong or right approach.
For all the reasons above I adore coaching men. As a massive generalisation, their trust is harder won, their truths harder revealed and their praise harder earned. For a coach there’s nothing more gratifying than breaking through an unnecessary emotional barrier in the name of bettering a persons life.
I feel that men have had it rather tough in recent years and I feel they’ve lost their voice. Their needs have been left a little redundant. We’ve had the rise of the mum entrepreneur, the boss babe and the #metoo movement. All so necessary I might add. But what about the good guys? The ones that need celebrating? Are we recognising them and the positive impact they bring to our lives enough?
I say often that men are just as sensitive, vulnerable and confused by life as we are so we have to treat them kindly. They are just as complex and just as in need of kindness, compassion and understanding. In short, just because they act tough does not mean that they are tough. It’s far more likely this is how society over thousands of years has conditioned them to be. There are certain expectations we put on them.
I don’t think there’s ever been a more confusing time for guys. Do they pay for dinner, will we be offended if they hold the door open for us or offer us a seat on the train. Dare they voice their opinion on anything deemed a female issue? If I were a man, in this current climate of finger pointing and voracious online battering, I’d probably be hesitant. We encourage them to speak up but chastise them when they do. We complain that chivalry is dead but perhaps that’s because we killed it.
Interestingly during a conversation with my friend Ollie, a business founder with his own men’s mental health podcast, he revealed he felt that it’s going to become less of a man vs woman debate, and will be considered far more individualistic as we go without the traditional roles or expectations placed on us as being particularly male or female. I hope he’s right, and I believe he is, but I still feel we’ve got a long way to go.
I know that the men in my generation (late thirties - forties) still feel huge pressure to be the providers for their family and put a significant amount of financial pressure on themselves that they would never expect for their female partners. A conversation with, Abuakwa Siaw-Misa, Co-founder and creative director of his own agency, The Siaw Misa Project (also wise, creative genius) prompted him to muse that if it wasn’t for his wife and family and the responsibility they symbolised in his mind he ‘would be a millionaire by now’ as they are a distraction and a responsibility that takes his focus from his business. ‘Would I trade my family for a million pounds, hell no.’ Abuakwa is an amazing father who often berates himself for the time he dedicates to his work but also knows it’s necessary to put the hours in to afford his family the level of living that he aspires to for them. Within his line of creative work, with pressurised deadlines and demanding clients, balance with family life is hard-won. So how do we support our men to find more balance?
One of my favourite stories in Brene Brown’s ‘Daring Greatly’ is the moment after giving a talk on vulnerability she is approached by a man in the audience. He says it’s all very well is women asking him to be vulnerable but the minute he falls off his white horse in front of his wife and daughters he would no longer be the hero. That one hit hard, as in that moment I knew it was true for the patriarch of the traditional household. We like our male figures to be strong and emotionally balanced counterbalancing our sensitive female traits.
We know that the statistics for male suicide are not good. It’s the biggest killer in this country of men under 40. There have been many successful campaigns encouraging men to talk which is progress. This is wonderful in the mental health space and the men more inclined to connect to these campaigns but what about the day to day office space, home life and normal social settings? My opinion is that we as a society still have a long way to go. I do not believe we are really offering the men in society the space and safety to do share and feel supported without feeling like they’ve failed us on some level.
If you are concerned about a male relative or friend I would encourage a gentle conversation so that they know that they are heard and appreciated. Perhaps you might read this and take the opportunity to tell someone that they are valued and you really do notice the extra hours they put in or the fact they pushed themselves for the greater good that day. Sometimes being given a safe platform and a little encouragement can make all the difference and cause positive shifts for all involved. Being kind to each other can only improve communication and harmony and will work wonders for the person on the receiving end of your praise and love.