Raising Each Other Up
Sometimes we all have to experience the dark side of sisterhood, and it’s never pleasant; ugly, poisonous and with the intent to harm, it can at times shock you to your very core. When these thankfully rare moments happen, a curious thing tends to occur, and we tend to experience the beautiful side of sisterhood; understanding, protective and fierce love.
When I shared a post this week about a hurtful girl on girl experience (or middle aged woman on middle aged woman crime to be exact) where a woman not only implied that I’d had plastic surgery, but I was also too over-weight for gym leggings, completely unprovoked, it was a spur of the moment thing. I pressed send, (possibly as a trauma response to share my experience and make sense of it) without too much thinking. I didn’t think it would have caused so much impact in my DMS from friends and family, who throughout the day shared similar stories . . . the way they feel about their bodies, the way that you deal with trolls, the way that you deal with female spite, and the way we all deal with not feeling enough.
It was a both shocking and powerful realisation of not only how much we are all carrying but also, I’m just reminded by what a super powerful tribe I have in my life (not just the girls, I had some incredibly wise and kind males reach out too) and how fortunate I am to have it. Gratitude in abundance.
For some of us our wellbeing or self-image can be a daily battle. The head knows one thing and the heart feels another. As my friend Kim rightly said, ‘There are so many more interesting things about you than your fat percentage.’ Quite right, my head knows this, so why did I feel so wounded. I realise there is so much more to my body than what it looks like; the fact that it has carried two babies, the fact that this body carries me through the day, the fact it’s somewhere I find daily sanctuary, is something to be both cherished and grateful for.
The female outpouring of support I experienced – the beautiful side of the sisterhood – enabled me to send that strange lady some love and compassion, because you can’t possibly say things like that to a fellow female unless you are coming from a place of lack and struggle. She belongs to the generation above me that sometimes feels to get ahead they have to tear each other down. I have much higher hopes for my generation and the generations to come that seem to be so much more supportive of their fellow females. However, unfortunately there’s still so much work to be done in the way that we treat each other and in the way that we view ourselves
I know that this is a particular time of year that doubt over our self-image starts creeping up on us. For me, I’m suddenly thinking about skimpy clothes, more skin on show, summer holidays, beach dressing, beach body, be the best you, summer body . . . whatever you want to call it it’s really really hard. Our media and our inner critic seem to duet until it all becomes too loud. This becomes amplified when you are time poor, when you’re juggling a family or juggling work, you simply don’t have time to get to the gym, or perhaps actually buying and cooking nutritious food is out of your budget. Its so easy to get into this mindset and just spiral.
My immediate reaction was to reassure my friends and say, ‘don’t worry about me. I bounce back, silly woman. I know it came from a place where she’s probably suffering.’ and of course all of the above is true, but something can be true and still sting in the moment. Despite saying I’d ‘bounce back’ I’d be misleading you if I didn’t tell you that there was 15 minutes on the phone to my mum asking whether I should be on a diet, or perhaps I need to update the amount I go to the gym, or does she think people look at me and think I’m fat? Or do I need surgery to correct the damage sustained in pregnancy? I short, I felt hideous, and I spiralled.
If this happens to you and you are feeling out of control just take a breath and remember the things that are important:
· How loved you are
· Remember what your body is capable of on a daily basis
· Your health is your wealth
· You are capable of making yourself feel better by making better choices
· We can always practise self-love and self-care
· We can reach out and make our fellow humans know their worth and raise them up
We have to stand united and encourage each other rather than tearing each other down, and we have to start calling people out when they are harmful. After all, if nothing changes then nothing changes.
I, for one, want my daughter to grow up in an environment where her body image doesn’t hold her back, where she doesn’t waste precious energy worrying about thigh gaps, where she doesn’t cry herself to sleep because she’s gone up a dress size, or she declined a party invitation because she feels fat that day. This is not the future I want for my child or any of our children.
Something caught my attention as I wrote this; I realise that I’m saying, ‘this is what I don’t want for my child,’ but this is also what I don’t want for myself and my inner child. I’m sure many of you reading this have counted calories, counted sit ups, berate yourself for having that extra piece, berate yourself for that extra glass of wine, and actually life is too short. We all need to cut ourselves a break. If this is not the future I want for my child, then I also vow to be better. My pledge from today on is to be less judgemental, much more kind to myself especially over body image and vocally kinder to myself when my daughter is listening.
I’m really learning to embrace the body that I’ve been given. Yes, I know I’m no supermodel, I never claimed to be, I’m still enough. Something really powerful and magical happens when we support each other and we raises each other up let’s embrace the fact that we are normal women, maybe we haven’t won the genetic lottery but that is perfectly fine. Instead we are kind, clever, funny, brilliant, thoughtful, disruptive, creative, charming, strong, nurturing, adventurous . . . the list goes on for all of you . . . and that is more than enough.