The Dangers Of Toxic Positivity
Are we becoming a society of false positive bots, conditioned to find the false joy or silver lining in every dire situation? Toxic positivity is the extreme reaction to negativity that is neither helpful or kind.
We as a society have never as before been so mindful of positive mindsets and manifestation. We recharge our crystals, we talk about energy, chakras and authenticity with great authority but have we lost our ability to just take something for what it is. How refreshing it can be to have someone really listen and agree ‘yes, that really is so hard for you.’ Not offer advice, not try and compare it to something they’ve once experienced, or to suggest ways in which it could be worse so therefore you should be ‘grateful.’
It’s the equivalent of your teacher reminding you that there are children starving of hunger in the world when you couldn’t eat your school lunch. Yes, of course it’s good to have an awareness, but guess what, that doesn’t mean you automatically like rice pudding and on top of that you now have a side of shame to contend with. It’s not necessary.
I really understand the need to view the brighter side or life and look for the glass to be half full rather than half empty but if someone complains they have broken they’re leg is it helpful to remind them ‘they’ve still got one?’ or is it kinder to just sit in that persons pain and just be there whatever they might be feeling?
The problem is that life isn’t always positive and actually without experiencing negative emotions we wouldn’t get to experience the light in our life or the positive emotions. For example, I’m sure as we have been watching the horror unfold in the Ukraine and our hearts break hearing the tales of tragedy, that we also can’t help but hug our children a little tighter or thank god with gratitude that we are not a country at war.
We all have to deal with painful stuff and challenging situations and it’s an important part of life that we experience them. It’s how we grow and how we learn resiliency in the future.
Toxic positivity is an extreme reaction that actually minimises and dismisses that persons feelings. ‘Look on the bright side,’ instantly tells the person receiving it to shut their sad feelings down and it might not be possible for them to do that. It’s saying ‘be different, so I feel more comfortable around your pain.’ Everything does not happen for a reason and sometimes happiness is not a ‘choice.’ Being happy out of choice is actually a privilege that some of us cant always access. Those feelings of shame and blame are doubly harmful when you are already going through a trauma.
Toxic positivity is dangerous as all situations or complaints about our life are relative to that person and actually what we do when we create a ‘false positive’ statement is we rob people of the chance to actually feel a certain way about something which is a huge part of processing. Telling someone ‘things could be worse’ when things are actually pretty bad is passive aggressive and makes the person feel guilty and isolated for even feeing terrible that they’ve been given a tricky hand. The last thing you need in a difficult situation is being made to feel bad that you are struggling.
If this happens to you notice who is saying it and why this might be, or the place it might be coming from. When we have awareness we can then dismiss and move past it. Replace their tone with your own much stronger voice - if you know this is a hard situation, own it and then remind yourself of past resiliencies and challenges you alone have overcome. Resist the urge to compare your feelings or situation with anyone else, this situation is entirely yours alone and your own experience of it.
Collectively, we then have to make a pact not to do this to ourselves or others. Acknowledging when things are hard is a human kindness. We should not be invalidating each other. I can’t think of one time that a person being told they shouldn’t be finding something so hard or negative helpful, they only feel worse about themselves as a result.
Next time someone comes to you with a problem, know that most of the time they are actually not asking you to solve it, but they just need you to listen, maybe not even give an opinion, but acknowledge their pain and sit in it with them so it doesn’t feel as heavy. Even if you maybe feel its a ‘third world’ problem, or it may seem minor to you, it really doesn’t matter - they’re problem is not how you feel about it. There are times to be stoic and there are times you have to give people gentle kindness and understanding.
There is a real generosity of spirit and maturity in just sitting in someone’s pain, especially if it’s something you don’t fully understand or you can’t relate to. Remember every situation is different and relative to that person and to help people to feel less alone when they are going through a dark time is the greatest gift you can offer your fellow human being.