The Ghost Of Christmas Past
No, I’m not talking about Dickens and I’m not referencing Michael Caine battling different Christmas memories of woe with the muppets, This isn’t Scrooge, trust me, I’m good for the ghost of Christmas past, I’m talking about the toxic people that use anniversaries, holidays, and special occasions to resurface for one last haunting.
Christmas is a funny time of year with emotions running high, and abusive or toxic people notoriously use this time of vulnerability as an excuse to reconnect and to see if they still have access to your beautiful supply. If you are reading this and have experienced a narcissistic relationship of any kind in 2021, this is a sign to be on your guard.
So why is Christmas such a highlight of the narc calendar? Because this is a time where victims are easy pickings. Perhaps they know there is disharmony in your family dynamic, maybe you are a single parent that struggles with this time of year or are potentially spending it alone. In turn they themselves are triggered and on the prowl because it is a time of year where all the focus will be on others, celebration, family and gifts, not entirely on them. Also due to their impaired empathy they struggle to bond with the people closest to them and they will be craving supply that is quite simply their life source.
If you have one of these charming characters in your life during the festive season, I advise you to lower your expectations. Do not ask anything of them. They will not help, they will lazy gift, (unless of course you are in the love bombing or hoovering phase of the cycle) and they will start arguments for attention to enjoy your discomfort.
Narcissists are also notorious addicts (alcohol, drugs, sex etc) and with the big focus on alcohol during the holiday season be prepared that this will also be used as a crutch and enhance their bad behaviour. They won’t take responsibility for the happiness of others at Christmas time, so if they want to be heavily intoxicated by breakfast they will be, and they won’t be helping out during the day.
If you do realise that you are a potential target for hoovering, expect their communication to ramp up, expect false promises of changed behaviour and even the L bomb. I know that this can be particularly difficult as you see happy family portraits shared over social media every 5 minutes, but try and keep perspective, Christmas is just one day and remember all those moments of walking on eggshells, confusion, and psychological damage. We don’t do rose tinted specs anymore . . .
The best way to deal with the narc in your life is to practice nonattachment. Easier said than done, I know, but when you start to realise that this is who they are, they won’t change (they don’t want to) and none of this is your fault, you change your energy towards the damaging situation. You can’t make them do the right thing or behave properly (they don’t want to), and when you engage and try and persuade them otherwise, they gain your attention, light and energy and they win anyway. In fact, the worst thing you can do is show distress or give any type of attention – you are quite literally handing them the bow and arrow to shoot you with.
Instead, the best way to combat these situations is to detach, enhance your own life and your own personal Christmas experience regardless of their behaviour. This way they lose control, and you gain protection by creating a force field of your own love and self-respect. Set strong boundaries and make a vow to yourself that in 2022 you will only choose people that understand you, love you and are good for your mental health.
I would also like to take this opportunity to send love to all the people that have had to make the painful decision to put distance between themselves and people they care about due to creating the safest path for themselves and their family. Its not easy , I see you, I witness you and send you strength and healing this Christmas.