Where Do You Sit On The Christmas Spectrum?
Christmas people generally fall in to one of two categories – the giddy, carol singing, fairy on the top of the tree or Ebenezer Scrooge – so which one are you? While it is easy to pass those off who grumble at Christmas cheer as the Grinch or to roll your eyes at the enthusiasm of friends that start planning Christmas in September, there are all sorts of reasons that aren’t as black and white as to why someone may be struggling.
Christmas is generally married up with New Year. It is a time where there is a lot of pressure for perfection and forced happiness, financial pressure, and of course, our favourite game, ‘happy family comparison,’ which is the thief of Christmas joy.
Globally, we’ve had it tough for the last couple of years, with families unable to celebrate together, financial changes and health restrictions, the like of which we’ve never experienced before. For us in the UK, just as things were starting to feel more normal this year, we have the new variation Omicron to worry about, and once again, those restrictions are being dangled over our heads like the proverbial carrot by the government, in an attempt to steer and control the masses. It does all feel a little bit like the blind leading the blind or the Boris leading the totally fed up.
So, for some, Christmas has become a beacon of happiness during these dark times, a time to relax and be together, to celebrate all we have, and not all that we have been through. For others, especially for those who are already struggling, this has seen a spike in anxiety equal to the rise of Pfizer’s stockholding. With this in mind, I would advise to allow for at least 20% in unpredictable behaviour from those you hold dear. Expect, short tempers, short patience, and the need to take a break from it all far more essential than ever. Even the most positive of us have been affected by the consistent fearmongering in our media, so do try to be kind and do try to be patient.
That’s the covid influence on our mindset this year at Christmas but what about the usual pressures or reasons people may be finding this time of year tough? Christmas does not look the same for everyone. It may be that there is a much-loved person missing this year, that your Christmas is divided between two households, or that you are even spending it alone. Often Christmas is a reminder of what is missing and the pressure for this to be a happy time can often do the opposite.
While this time of year is advertised as the perfect family scenario, which naturally means successful, heterosexual, married, mother and father 2.4 healthy middle-class children, a golden retriever, and a white picket fence (everybody happy, everybody healthy, everybody thriving, absolutely no skeletons in the closet, and everything absolutely and resolutely harmonious). Ask yourself, before you get sucked into the comparison game, how many people do you know with that particular set up? My answer would be none, I know no one, so what exactly are we comparing ourselves to?
Another common and very real pressure this time of year is being able to provide gifts and the day of dreams financially. Does your child really need that extra gift or would they actually find spending time with you so much more beneficial and worthwhile? I had a relation send me a terribly emotive message about the pressure she feels under to buy gifts at this time of year and truly I know that her love and hugs mean so much more to me and my daughter than any other material gift could provide. I think most of us would also be devastated to feel that anyone we care about had put themselves through the wringer to give something they didn’t have the financial capacity for this year.
Missing people, being estranged from people or finding social situations traumatic for a spectrum of reasons also adds to the pressure or sadness at this time of year. If this is something that you are struggling with its important to set strong boundaries and be patient with yourself. Its ok to ask for time out to be sad, for time to be on your own or to say no to certain social situations that cause you anxiety or trauma. Easier said than done in some instances, so confide in a friend or family member that you trust to help you carry the load, to look out for you and protect your peace
So much surrounding Christmas is preconceived misconceptions about others and ourselves. Another sentence many of my clients will have heard me repeat x 3249395 is ‘Is this the truth, or is this the story you are telling yourself?’ Often what we assume to be absolutely true isn’t correct, or what we feel to be certain actually isn’t. It’s our inner critic or our own past traumas guiding us, influencing us, and confusing us as emotions run high.
My advice this Christmas would be to go at your own pace. Its ok to take time out, its ok to say no and its perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed. If the approach of Christmas feels a bit daunting, think about what you might need to make yourself feel better and how you can get it. Also, think of someone you trust and who understands you to confide in and share the load.
If you have lost someone this year, take some time to think about how you might honour them, either alone or in a wider group. Grief, no matter how unpleasant, is easier and less overwhelming when you face it rather than try and squash it down and becomes easier still if you can share it. Like an overflowing bin, you make struggle to force the lid on, so don’t force it.
If there is a place that brings back bad memories or a social occasion that you are going to find traumatic or upsetting, ask yourself, what would be the worst thing if you didn’t go. We always have a choice, most of the time people understand, and if they don’t, what do you lose and what do you gain by protecting your peace and wellbeing?
Tips to look after yourself this Christmas period:
It can help to set a time period of when Christmas starts and finishes – perhaps its just the afternoon, perhaps it’s the two whole weeks either side in the run up, whatever the length, remember, it doesn’t last forever.
Set strong boundaries about what you’re willing to put up with, do, or experience and stick to them. It can help to write a YES and NO list to solidify and confirm this in your mind.
Let yourself experience the full spectrum of emotions, they are real and valid, even if they may not be understood by the people around you.
Take time out – this could even be watching a film, calling a friend, or reading a book to distract yourself and pass the time
If there is something that is unavoidable, plan a little you time afterwards in the form of self-care. This could mean having a lunch date with a friend to look forward to, a bubble bath, or even just making sure you get enough sleep during such a busy time. Whatever self-care means to you – do it!
Wherever you land on the Christmas spectrum, and I sincerely believe we are never always at either end all the time, I hope you manage to give yourself the kindness you deserve, the love that you need and time to experience the magic of you no matter the circumstances.
Happy Christmas to the community I am building, you mean more to me than any gift under my tree and my biggest wish always is a happy, healthy year for us all in the year to come.