And Just Like That
As part of the generation that grew up on ‘Sex in the City,’ I waited for the reboot of ‘And Just Like That,’ with bated breath . . . Not for the reasons you might imagine. Yes, I used to love looking at the style, the fashion, the HANDBAGS, and at the time I worked for a designer who was chosen to dress one of the most prominent male leads which was exciting (Patricia Field was a genius of her time). However, I was never a huge fan of the series, purely that it left me triggered that they wrote such basic female characters for us all to fit into.
I would cringe when women would tell me that they wanted to be whimsical, witty Carrie but felt they had a Samantha rising . . . or men of my generation would often say they wanted to marry ‘A Charlotte.’ Funny that you keep knocking about with Samantha’s at 2AM then . . .
It truly was a series that inspired a generation of females, it launched the cosmopolitan cocktail, and it certainly did in fact educate women in sexual liberation that hadn’t been experienced since the 1960’s, so for that we have to be thankful. That part I’m not knocking. But even as a young teen, I thought, how boring – I want to be ALL four characters and then some. I also don’t want to spend my life obsessing over men, there’s so much more to life than being someone’s arm candy. I want to be my own arm candy. It always surprised me that it was written by a woman as it is generally men that like to put us in a well contained and easy to unpack box. It irritated me.
No, what I really wanted to know was, how on earth are they going to deal with the absence of Kim Cattrall who played Samantha, a hugely central part of the quartet and often the one who got most tabloid inches because she got the raciest storylines. Would they bump her off? Would they omit to name the elephant in the room? Talking of elephants, would she have joined the circus? Actually, none of the above . . . they actually handled it with grace and in my opinion a true representative of the today’s society.
In fact, Samantha’s feelings and pride had been hurt, she had moved to London, removing herself from the New York social scene, and ghosted the lot of them. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
HBO’s Content Chief Casey Bloys explained, ‘Just as in real life, people come into your life, people leave, friendships fade and friendships start. So I think it is very indicative of the real stages, the actual stages of life . . . ‘ True: what she just said . . .
In the modern world of social media, we are now left with a minefield of trickiness to manoeuvre when friendships comes to their natural or very dramatic demise. If anyone is old enough to cast their minds back to a time pre social media, there are probably many friendships and acquaintances that just naturally fell by the wayside. You didn’t have the knowledge that the girl you worked with for 3 months, in a bar since closed down, had gone on to have 2 kids, a problematic ex-husband and likes avocado on toast for lunch and has a birthday on the 6th of August. Your brain simply just filed them away, often to never see the light of day again. This was not done in a cruel way, just life.
So, what do we do when we have evolved or made a very clear decision to remove people from our social IRL orbit but they are popping up on our feeds, your photos remind you of 5 Christmas’ ago, and, Jesus Christ, you also have 67 people in common. Do you do a Samantha and cut all contact with them, each and every memory and contact or do you become selective and look at it on a case-by-case basis?
I tend to roll with a group of hot Taurean blondes who have no time for betrayal, jealousies, and weird behaviour. One has been known to block mid-sentence, and another can hold a grudge for decades. It is often these strong boundaries that I actually really admire because their lives are edited to only include the people they would ride or die for. I definitely have it in me, but only once I’ve danced with the devil, once, twice or maybe 14 times – ‘grey areas!’ I protest often to my complete ‘giving out love like a puppy’ downfall . . . but I do tend to get there in the end with all my facilities restored and I’m as brutal as the rest of them.
Only you can decide what you feel ready for, what you feel safe with and also what capacity you have to deal with it. Perhaps the reasons are so traumatic you cannot bear to fall out with or cause anymore drama within the wider circle of contacts. Perhaps its simply that you have evolved at a faster pace than the person or people you no longer want to associate with and it’s just one of those things, or perhaps you’re just so damn angry that you are happy to light that bridge with four gallons of petrol and to hell with it. Whatever the answer, there is no right or wrong. There is only right for you. Only you know. However, I want to give you a list of questions and statements that may help you to feel, A. more normal about it all and my B. help you navigate something that is naturally tricky and unpleasant.
Do you feel that this person still adds anything to your life? Notice how you feel after spending time in their company or in conversation with them. Do you feel at your best or do you feel strange and drained?
Have you had a brave conversation or tried to navigate problems and feel heard or understood before you do anything drastic?
Does this person consistently press on your boundaries and values?
Do they take advantage of your past story and relationship to manipulate what they want from you? If so, is it their stuff or is it yours and can you differentiate between them both?
Will your life improve by cutting contact both in the real world and in social media? If so, what will then be available to you?
If you do cut them from social media, does that mean just the individual or is it drastic enough to cut contact with mutual ties too?
There will always be two sides to the story and will you be ok with the fact that their may not resemble yours in the slightest?
Are you overreacting and will you cause damage that you can’t undo if you soften and change your mind? Do you need to breathe or indeed give it some more thinking time?
If you decide to keep the mutual acquaintances, do you feel safe? Do you feel they are still supporting you, perhaps in another capacity, or is it just surveillance?
Should the wider audience feel slighted by a very personal dispute between two people?
Do you feel strong enough to deal with this conflict at this time?
I know that platonic friendships coming to a close can feel worse than a breakup and there is also a sense of grief for what was and what will never be again. This is particularly true if you feel misunderstood or betrayed. In fact, it can cause trauma like no other if it is a particularly nasty ending, so please do not make light of it or feel you should be further along than perhaps you are. These things take time and its worth remembering to be extra kind to yourself if this is something you are currently experiencing.
From a coaching perspective and in the conquest of designing the lives we are proud of; I truly believe that we should ruthlessly and meticulously often edit our life as if we are editing the pages of our most favourite magazine. This should not be done in a mean-spirited way, but in the spirit of what makes you feel good, what serves you and what allows you to unapologetically live your very best and most authentic life. We all want to be able to sleep at night, surrounded by a friendship mix of people that love us, support us, and understand our values. Its what we all deserve at the very least.