I’m a good person, not a nice person.
Consider this post notice that if you want a purposeful and respected life that being ‘nice’ will not serve you. This is not a request for an army of black hearted Maleficent’s, but more a calling of boundaries, self love and emotional intelligence.
My mantra this year has shifted from ‘treat others as you would want to be treated’ to ‘I’m a good person, not a nice person.’ Meaning . . . You can be morally correct, thoughtful and kind without being taken advantage of or taken for granted. We achieve this by having good emotional boundaries, using our voice when necessary and putting our own needs first before we volunteer our time and energy to other causes.
That old saying ‘nice guys finish last.’ Has gone the distance in our patois for a reason. What that actually means is ‘who wants a walkover?’ No one. It is much more attractive for any type of relationship to be one of mutual respect, understanding, strength and individual purpose. I much prefer honest, clear and direct communication from my supersonic advisory board (otherwise known as my friends) than people that will say and do anything to placate and soothe in the interest of being considered ‘nice.’ It never feels authentic. Not if you’re really listening.
If you want friends that throw down the gauntlet and lay their needs and values at your feet to placate your mood or opinion then that’s not friendship, thats actually abusive and controlling and you need to check your toxicity levels.
To me ‘nice’ isn’t a good quality. Nice says, lack of boundaries, lack of voice, lack of power and lack of value. I don’t want to be nice. I don’t want live a half life or to be kept small and make things easier on those around me and neither should you. I want to be honest about who I am and that’s not always nice.
Nice generally isn’t what’s best for you but what is best for other people; its what’s easy and often that means watering yourself down. It is about adapting yourself to make your presence comfortable for other people. Sometimes being honest is not nice, being direct and to the point is not nice, saying no or telling the truth is not always nice either. But all of these things are essential to remaining true to yourself.
Boundaries; Realise what constitutes as your responsibility and where you should maintain a healthy boundary. You can be kind and empathic without actually getting involved in the drama. You don’t have to take the weight of the world upon your shoulders to prove to anyone that you have a good heart. It’s not healthy for your nervous system and your energy should be directed towards what serves you best first and foremost. The real flex is managing to keep your heart soft but your boundaries strong.
Notice where you enable rather than assist. Sometimes enabling is the easier option than having a difficult or uncomfortable conversation. It’s easier than change. Again, try and understand why you might be avoiding saying or doing what needs to be said or done. Often this is driven by fear. The fear of not being liked or the fear of being rejected. However, every time we choose another persons worth over our own it chips away at our precious self esteem and is never worth it.
To live a life in balance learn where you give your energy away and to whom. Ask yourself why this is and what about the person or situation makes you want to shrink. What are you not honouring? What fears or triggers does this bring up for you? There could be many answers. The truth is only you know, so take some time to make your considerations. You need to sit with the personal awareness before you can action changed behaviour. Ask yourself, ‘what can I do to override my triggers and take my power back in the moment?’ Is it saying a clear ‘No.’ is it prioritising your self care? Is it walking away from aggression or harmful scenarios? What does it take for you to feel protected and safe in this situation?
Remember your value always. Do not be bullied or let anyone push you around. Always remember that you matter. Your voice is important and you have every right to take up all the space you need. You are not going to be for everybody, but you will always find a tribe that appreciates you, supports and loves you. Please don’t waste a precious moment of your life where there is not a seat at the table for you. There are always more seats and there are always more tables.
If you are determined to make powerful changes in your life then gradually but surely start to let go of what’s no longer serving you. This can be really difficult. We are human and form attachments and bad habits because we yearn for familiarity even if it hurts us. But when we finally let go we make room for something much better to take it’s place. That’s where faith steps in. Trust the universe. When you start making personal choices from a place of strength and love, believe me, everything shifts.
Visualisation techniques that work; Imagine a rope slipping through your finger tips . . . imagine a beach ball slowly bobbing away from you in the sea. Visualise your bad trait or unhealthy behaviour slipping away, gently increasing the distance between yourself and the problem. Keep staunchly in your mind you have no attachment to being liked, chosen, or understood. It’s not necessary to you. You are standing firm in your beliefs, who you are as an individual that knows their worth. You are no longer striving to be nice, instead you are heard, kind, powerful, and strong.
Glennon Doyle says it best ‘Nice is a mask we slowly die behind. So let’s stop being nice. Let’s stop abandoning ourselves. Let’s stop abandoning honesty and kindness and real, true hope and progress for our relationships - which can only happen when we tell the truth.’