Survivors Guide To Abusive & Narcissistic Relationships
We all know the tell-tale warning signs of a physically abusive relationship; the violence of it, the terror, the physically broken person, but what about the mentally abusive relationships that are harder to spot than the bruises and broken bones? These emotional traumas are real and long lasting, the scars of which can cause major damage to the person involved.
Here are some signs that can help you identify if you are in an abusive relationship.
Having to make excuses to your family and friends about your partners behaviour
When you have development a well-honed sense of when an argument is coming, and you haven’t done anything wrong
When they put you down rather than build you up.
You spend much of your relationship explaining yourself and trying to earn approval
You feel guilty and as if you are walking on eggshells, but you can’t pinpoint exactly why
When you have to beg for physical or emotional attention
You are not able to switch off at night from anxiety
·You feel they abandon you and/or your children regularly
Continuous communication breakdown
Lack of equality and imbalance of power
If you are experiencing more than several of the above, I strongly suggest ending your relationship or at least having couples counselling to see if there is anything worth repairing with a professional viewpoint. You could be in a relationship with someone willing to work through some of the above, that shows remorse, and shows a willingness to repair the damage. However, if they show little empathy and a refusal to change, you could be dealing with a total narcissist.
The nature of narcissistic abuse is that you can’t believe it unless you’ve been through it – and even then, you will struggle to believe some of it and certainly understand it.
Fortunately, education and awareness around personality disorders is becoming far more common, but sadly, even if you are aware of the concept, it can still be hard to spot if you have been love bombed within an inch of your life, are still in love (trauma bonded) with the abuser or have been through so many hoovering cycles you don’t know up from down anymore. Unfortunately, there have been many of us looking for a soulmate but then, through necessary means of survival, ended up with a master’s in psychology and narcissistic personality disorders. Go figure. Today I want to help you to learn what to look for, how to extract yourself and ultimately how to survive.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a lot of drama - before you know it they will have you enabling their behaviour, covering their tracks, defending their bad behaviour and even lying for them in some cases. You will run rings and use up all your precious energy watering their lawn and keeping it green, while yours dries out, goes brown and then dies. This really can happen to anyone, I’ve seen the most intelligent and self aware of people taken down by this personality disorder.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum – at one end you have a Lesser Narcissist, minor in their damage, they look for low hanging fruit, right through to the Greater Narcissist who is a high functioning individual, well aware of what they are doing, who go for more challenging victims. Its then easiest to explain by breaking down the narcissist into four different categories: The Victim, The Cerebal, The Somatic and The Elite.
The Victim Narcissist looks to others to help them with their failures; lack of finance, lack of home, general lack of competence. They reel you in by making you feel sorry for them and play on your ability to care and nurture. Perhaps they tell you about their dysfunctional childhood and elicit as much sympathy from you as possible. Do not be fooled by their jackanory ‘woe is me’ tales.
The Cerebal Narcissist, prefers to flaunt his intellect – this dude will write you love letters and provide helpful facts about the champagne you are drinking. In short, words are their weapon of choice and he has probably excelled academically and arrogantly. They will embarrass and humiliate their victims perceived lack of academic knowledge and often employ lieutenants to do their dirty work that they feel is beneath them.
The Somatic Narcissist is a sexual creature that will use his bedroom ability to hook you and create bonds through sexual encounter. These vain individuals are the Adonis’ you see posing and flexing their muscles in the mirror at the gym. (Always gross). They will expect you to be an extension of them and a total show pony they can use as arm candy to impress others around them. Make sure you are looking 10/10 at all times or you risk their wrath.
Last, but by no means least, we have The Elite Narcissist; Ding ding ding – you have hit the jackpot!! This creature is a combination of all of the above and is by far the most manipulative and dangerous. They know exactly what they are doing and take great pleasure in it. They are expert at finding and seducing their victims and enjoy the process of breaking them down thoroughly. This type love a challenge and often go for victims they perceive to be intellectually and socially aspirational - breaking you down is the ultimate challenge and prize.
Narcissists are generally men, but rare females do exist. In fact, I would be extra careful of the ‘supportive’ expert friend that thrives off your drama. Notice if the advice they give you perpetuates situations and keeps you small. Your dysregulation feeds their sense of worth by keeping you stuck and reliant on them. This is covert narcissism at its finest. Outwardly they are helping their downtrodden friend and appearing kind and heroic, but there is something much darker at play here. Run!
Personality attributes include arrogance, the need to be right, a victim mentality where it is always someone else’s fault, extreme generosity, manipulative, dishonest, envious, charming, self-absorbed, cannot tolerate criticism, competitive, lacking in empathy, no moral compass and attention seeking. They are normally high achievers with an above average IQ and can play their victims like a fiddle. Narcissists can be so charming, lovely and accommodating to everybody else, but moody, dark, destructive and cruel to you. Pretty nasty and pretty confusing stuff.
You may or may not have heard of the narcissistic cycle which is a typical pattern attributed to these charming creatures. There are four stages; Love-bombing, Devaluation, Discarding and the Hoover. With each cycle the victim is left more and more damaged and may even experience PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety, insomnia, depression and in some cases suicidal thoughts.
Love-bombing: At the beginning of this otherworldly relationship, the infatuation is potent, and they normally profess to have found their soulmate, twin flame, and use the ‘love’ word within a very short time frame. Its basically a fantastical paradise. The victim is completely seduced by this tsunami of attention and gradually feels more and more dependent on their partners love, attention and approval.
Devaluation: Subtly they start to put you down, accuse you of things, withhold their attention, and gaslight you while still throwing you crumbs from the love-bombing stage to disarm and confuse you. You find yourself willing to do anything to get back in favour. Its as if you’ve been put into an emotional tumble dryer and you are left totally confused by design. By now, it’s worth noting, they’ve either secured their new victim or they’ve set their sights on them, the current victim is becoming less useful and less ‘perfect.’
Discarding: This is painful. They can ghost, withdraw intermittently or just keep you hanging on by a tiny thread, however they no longer even bother with the crumbs or any form of kindness. In fact, by this point you are an irritant, they are bored of you, you no longer interest them, you have been replaced by something shiny and new. You are no longer their first or even secondary supply. (Narcs often have past hoovers hanging around or are currently securing new victims to make sure they have constant supply) This is often so shocking for the victim that you feel totally bereft and lost at sea.
Hoover: This can happen weeks, months, even years down the line. You’ve moved on and you seem happier, you’re looking good, perhaps you’ve met someone, perhaps you’ve got that promotion – this is when the narcissist hoovers. This is an attempt to see if they still have access to the victim and if they can be conned into another cycle of abuse. They will do this by calling, texting, turning up at your home/work. Anything they can think of to hook you back for that grade A supply.
The first question a victim tends to ask is why me? We try and understand what we have just been through and want to avoid meeting future narcissists – knowledge is power right? The truth is you may never know, as each particular narc has their own personality types they crave. Having to find your own closure and realising that none of it was real is often the part the victims find hardest to grieve. Something that was very real for you, was only a game for them.
Theories include that they go after people who are successful and lead incredibly fulfilled lives as they want to be near their light or ‘cash in,’ or that they go for kind empaths that attempt to understand them and will forgive their hideous behaviour much more readily. My theory is much more dark and simple in its message. Narcissists are predators. You can appear to be super successful, be an empath, be an actual unicorn, be any of the above, but if you don’t have strong boundaries, they will pick you off as easily as a vulnerable broken baby bird.
I personally believe that narcissists have an inbuilt and very clever understanding in recognising when someone is vulnerable, unhappy or living an unfulfilled life. Their victim may have an awful lot to offer, achieved greatness, have a fantastic circle of family and friends – but if this person is lost, going through a big life change, feels empty or lonely, they can smell it like a shark sniffing blood. This pain is their life source after all . . .
Dealing with a narcissist – don’t react. Any reaction you give them is fuel. Like a toddler they crave attention good or bad and their brains cannot understand the difference between to two, they just know they need that energy supply from you. Without it they simply don’t exist, so it is critical they extract it from you by whatever means possible and they will go to great reckless lengths to get it too. When you react, you are giving them power over you, so feel free to go out of your way to disappoint.
Do not waste your time trying to fix the narc. Trust me, it does not work. The narcs true feelings about themselves are disastrous, so they create a fictitious character as a buffer between the narcissist and their inner wounds, which mean you have quite literally MADE the narcissist - without your love, attention and understanding - the source of yourself, they don’t exist, so you have to stop giving your power away. It will fortify them and drain you. You may have even noticed them use your phrases, copy your life movements, style and possessions or they may have even taken on some of your life stories in the crave for connection. They are using you as a blueprint in how to be a complete and well rounded person
Block them out of your life wherever you can. The less information the better, so be mindful of bids for attention, fake social media accounts and choose who you share information with wisely. Also speak to friends you trust implicitly to block them too, so they don’t share anything by accident, or can’t be manipulated into being a bridge for communication. I understand that this is really difficult if your narcissist is a family member or perhaps you share children with them, so minimise contact and even involve a mediator if you feel unsafe.
If they maintain any connection with you they will continually find ways to punish you for not appeasing their False Self, the person they have invented in their mind. They will also want to retain you for narcissistic supply, so will continue to effect you in the most spiteful ways to get what they need. Meaning that whatever hurts and keeps you emotionally triggered they will view as fair game for continuous supply. Pure poison right?!
Do not get into a boxing ring with a narc – you will not win, it only gets them switched on and powered up. For most people confrontation is draining, we finding it distasteful and painful, in contrast it energies them, they will outbox you into exhaustion. They change the rules as fast as their partners and I’m guessing even if you may hate them for whatever devastation they’ve brought to your life, (and you may have a strong urge to punish them or protect others from future trauma), your strong moral compass will prevent you from doing anything truly harmful to them, (which is one of the many reasons you were picked in the first place, your heart). they do not operate in the same way as you and I and can be truly vicious.
Do not confront them over their behaviour, even if you consider your conversation to be a healthy one, any form of constructive communication will be viewed as criticism and they will go into defence mode. This normally includes throwing mud at your character, finding ways to humiliate you or painting to you out to be ‘damaged’ or ‘broken’ goods (you are neither) or even potentially calling you a narcissist, a common tactic when backed into a corner. This smear campaign is often just as painful and humiliating as the abusive relationship itself and is part of their final swan song.
This is also a reason why you should consider a person that labels all their ex’s as ‘crazy’ a massive red flag and in turn question what did they do that drove every single one of their ex’s crazy since they are the common denominator. We’ve all met THAT person . . . food for thought.
Do not expect them to care. They are not sorry. They are not wired like you and I. Even if they do apologise its normally part of a hoover or to ensure they still have access to you and whatever benefit you bring to their world. Given half the chance they would do it ten times over. Do not, I repeat, do not believe them!!!
A common theme for survivors of narcissistic abuse is that they fear that they too may have a narcissistic personality disorder. Firstly, if you are asking yourself this question, you almost certainly are not. Narcissists do not have the ability to even contemplate that there is anything wrong with their behaviour and for this very same reason rarely seek professional help - simply because they feel they are perfect just the way they are. No need for improvement or reflection on their behaviour.. However, I believe that everyone, without exception has the potential to behave narcissistically - but healthy and unhealthy levels exist.
Narcissists choose co-dependants for their victims and this is where the survivors confusion I mention above may arise.. There are similarities in narcissists and co-dependants - they both seek approval, attention, love, intimacy and lack healthy boundaries - so can appear similar on the surface. But there are big differences, the narcissists mask always slips as they cannot keep the veneer up for long and their behaviour always ALWAYS turns toxic. The co-dependant may well struggle with their self esteem but they do have the resources to provide themselves with compassion, self worth and validation.
Co-dependants do not act evil in the same way a narcissist does, but the narcissist can treat them so badly that they appear disjointed, irrational, or unreasonable which then makes them the perfect scapegoat when the relationship goes wrong. which causes further confusion and trauma. to the poor co-dependant. The other big and most important difference is that co-dependants with love and care can learn to change their attachment style whereas a narc is stuck like that forevermore. Kind of the perfect punishment when you think about it . . . Stuck with themselves forever.
If you know you are ready to move on, get ready but do not announce it. Prepare your exit accordingly with minimum fuss. The best piece of advice I can give you is to become a ‘small grey rock.’ You’re just this small, boring, inconsequential being with not much of a life, stuck in your house going nowhere, doing nothing. Now of course this isn’t true, and it shouldn’t be, however, this is sometimes what you need to portray to the narc until they have moved on and found a new victim or if you want to build up your strength to avoid another hoover.
Get support. You are not meant to survive this alone. Often many of us have been in these relationships for years and it takes a long time to understand what you’ve been through and unravel the PTSD symptoms. Some of us even prefer to be stuck in the familiar because its like something akin to Stockholm syndrome and they have often spend significant time and persuasion that no one would ever love and understand us like they can. (BS). Find a therapist who specialises in personality disorders and relationships that can guide you back to safety. This will not be a straight road. Do not expect to click your fingers and just be over it as your emotions, belief systems and identity have been shattered. You have to address what you have been through on a deeper level and often this is really hard, but it is worth the investment in feeling empowered and strong again.
Finally, I was told a story by Don Miguel Ruiz in which there were two women in their homes. The first woman was starving hungry so when a man knocked on her door, she was willing to accept the food he offered no matter the conditions. The second woman had a well-stocked home and had learnt how to grow her own food and create beautiful recipes. When the man knocks on her door offering her the same as the first, she asks, ‘why would I accept those conditions when I am thriving on my own?’ Love and our own lives have many parallels to this story and demonstrates the importance of us loving ourselves fully, building our self-esteem and creating strong boundaries to avoid accepting conditions that are beneath us.
There are understandably lessons that can be gained from all our relationships, platonic or otherwise, which as a coach I encourage as it helps you avoid that personality type or situation in the future. Personally, I believe there is a reason for everything we go through and escaping a narcissistic relationship will make you hold up a magnifying glass to all that you are and all that you want to be. It makes you do deep soul work for ultimately your survival.
I also think it’s helpful to remember that sometimes people hurt you because they’re cruel and they can. Not because YOU needed to learn a lesson. Not because of anything YOU did. Sometimes people harm people because they want to. So, I would also give my client, (who has already been through so much already), the choice of walking away and not spending time on analysing it. The bottom line is you need to forgive yourself. You didn’t deserve it, none of us do, so don’t waste more time than necessary trying to figure out someone else’s cruel behaviour. Put all that energy into repair and self love. Choosing love is ultimately how you take your power back. and take it back you will.