Unrequited Love & getting over it
So, what do you do when you think you’ve found the love of your life and they don’t feel the same back? Sucks huh!? How many of us have lusted after an unrequited love for longer than necessary? Wasting time, feeling less than and hoping against hope they will learn to love us back . . . no need for a raise of hands, its already mortifying enough.
‘I knew she was powerful when she told me that every time she lost love, she found that same love twice within herself.’ – Billy Chapata @iambrillyant
Unrequited love has been the musical inspiration behind the saddest songs, the biggest love tragedies, and teenage angst. It’s a feeling in the heart that is the most stubborn of pains and it can be excruciating. Today I want to help you find that love within, choose yourself and help you to unblock that metaphorical door to enable new and better love to flow in again.
Firstly, I want you to ask yourself is this longing or need you’ve attached to the person the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, or is it the story that you’ve told yourself? Have you fallen in love with the idea of the potential of what COULD be rather than what ACTUALLY is? Are they really all that or have you got your love blinkers on? Has this person told you time and time again they don’t want a relationship, but its your triggers and needs keeping them central to your story despite they’re very honest synopsis of what they are willing to give or not give?
Secondly, I need you to do the work to understand self so much more. Dig a bit deeper on your attachment style. This will inform you of if you are operating from a secure, anxious or avoidant style of love.
Secure people value their relationship but its not central do everything they do, they have interests and friends outside of their relationship with you, communicate clearly, and their words match they’re actions. They are consistent and demonstrate a healthy love within their respect of you and themselves. These people are the holy grail. These people are who you should aspire to be and what you should aspire to attract.
Anxious types are co-dependent and need a lot of reassurance. They have a deep fear that you will cut and run at any moment and past wounds keep them in a perpetual state of anxiety and neediness. Anxious texting, anxious social media stalking, childish punishments when they feel slighted and so on . . . Sounds super fun. NOT.
Avoidant people crave independence, emotional intimacy terrifies them and they have an underlying fear that they are being used or exploited within relationships. These people have learnt independence from a young age, and they do not like this compromised. These people will cut and run at a moments notice, hence why Anxious and Avoidant attracted like mag -a- nets. (Sorry Jay Z fan couldn’t help it)
You can change and heal your attachment type given time and patience with the right understanding and loving partner (quite honestly why would you bother with a partner that was neither of these things) and through self-understanding and investing in therapy or coaching. Many of these behaviours begin in childhood or past wounds, for example an avoidant person has probably been so wounded that they feel this style of love is the only way they can protect themselves from further hurt.
Remember when rejection happens to you, you really haven’t done anything wrong. The way that people react to one another is 90% of the time their own wounds that they are carrying and not yours. Its hurts but its very rarely as personal as it feels.
I’m attempting to soften the blow here, but understand that the pain you feel is very real . . . This is for both an emotional and very scientifically physical reason. the part of our brain that stores physical pain is sat right next to the place we store rejection. Hence the ouchy pain. Our brain, our heart, our very being, well, it hurts.
What I find the most interesting yet tragic aspect of human nature is often the behaviours we adopt to prevent the pain is actually the behaviours that enable it. When we cut ourselves off emotionally, when we lower our boundaries to accommodate someone else, when we don’t speak our truth for fear of rejection, we repel the love we crave. Think about the areas in your relationship or past relationships where you have compromised - it never usually has the desired effect.
I promise you there is no shortage of people in the world who will show up and love you so completely. The key is to make sure that you are fully healed yourself and know exactly why you are making your current choices and know that you are deserving of big love that chooses you back. More than deserving.
Moe Ari recently said on a podcast with Mark Groves ‘Only the very best opportunities and romantic relationships get past the universe on their way to you.’ And I couldn’t agree more my darling.
Lastly, I want you to centre that love you crave in the life you lead. Be the partner you want to attract by building a fulfilling and fabulous life. Be interesting and be interested. Surround yourself with the people you feel most connected to. Establish a successful and inspiring career by chasing your passions. Lead a full and happy life with direction so that you are always surrounded by love and self love so that you are ok regardless of a potential soul mate turning up.