Where Do You Give Your Power Away And To Whom?
Why do we give our power away? Is it shrinking ourselves and our light to make others feel more comfortable around us? Is it a moment in our conscious where our inner critic jumps in, triggers us and we react accordingly? Is it a particular relationship with patterns you find hard to break? Have you got that one friend you always say yes to when you really want to say no, or do you allow your partner to put you down in way that you would never accept from somebody else?
I think this is a really interesting one I’ve been exploring with my clients this week where we have been discussing what we are asking for from the year ahead and what changes we need to make to achieve them. A lot of this includes boundaries, how we spend our precious energy and in what areas of our lives are we willing to put ourselves first. Today I want to ask you the same questions I’ve been pondering for myself. Buckle up, as on reflection, the answers may surprise you.
I want to give you two examples of case studies that I experience as a coach time and time again:
As a general (very general) rule, in my experience my female clients tend to give their power away in their relationships with men and my male clients tend to give their power away to their career - their ambitions and the sacrifices of their time they give to it. (Before anyone disagrees with me, I do understand that the same can be true for both sexes but this is just what I have personally found to be true. (Please don’t come for me . . . It’s January and I’m tired))
I have lost count the number of women that can only be described as goddesses crying in my coaching room or on phone during their coaching sessions despairing over some little cretin sent from Satan to test their patience, resilience, mental health and body confidence. These are bright, financially independent, witty, popular, ambitious, and gorgeous women losing control over men with little to their name and personality than potentially their birth certificates. So why is that? Why do so many of us bright female sparks let our romantic status define who we are and how we see ourselves and why do we do our utmost to make it work when the writing is very much on the wall? What prevents us from walking away and sacrificing a large part of our power in the long run?
Equally my wonderful emotionally intelligent male clients have shared the pressures they put themselves under to be accepted and acknowledged in the workplace. If they are not earning X by the time, they are a certain age, or if their social circle has bought a house or can afford an aspirational level of living and they can’t, it’s an ambition catastrophe for them. They feel like less of a man. These are kind, brilliant, vulnerable and clever men that place a lot of their self-worth on their career success. So why? What prevents them from seeing they have so much more to offer the world than their job title?
Two very different themes I know but what do both of these things have in common? It is an example of males or females placing all their happiness and self-worth in the hands or path of something outside of us and in instances far from who we really are at our core. So how do we bring it back, centre ourselves and start vibrating high again?
The short and long answer is self-care and self-love. I sometimes want to bang clients over the head that they can’t see what I see. That they are enough. In fact, way more than enough and they always have been.
They are enough without that toxic relationship and enough without that promotion or whatever it takes for that person to feel that they’ve achieved. You are whole and complete without that status or title. It is only when we start vibrating high and practice non attachment that we can truly start to understand our worth and what we have to offer the world outside of these things.
Another thing you will have heard me say either in my blogs or in our sessions is ‘is this the story you are telling yourself or is this the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?’ So, when you fear that that group invitation your declining will upset all involved is that your people pleasing side causing a worst-case scenario or is in fact the truth that they will
Perfect try understand your reasoning?
Power and how we see ourselves is a complex thing – but I am here to remind you today that whatever you are going through and wherever you are giving your precious energy away, that you have the capability to hold onto it and chose yourself time and time again. This means it is your responsibility to choose yourself with integrity, giving yourself breathing space for healing and forgiveness for all the past times you gave your power away. You have all the answers and everything you need to support yourself. No one else can do this for you, not me, not your partner or best friend, you have to invest in yourself and give it time and understanding.
Where a good coach comes in is providing you with tools to ensure that you learn how to care for yourself deeply and honourably, to meet your own needs, to speak up in the moment to protect your own boundaries and to walk your newfound path of empowerment.