The Conversation We Should All Be Having
Last night I attended a very emotive talk with Roman Kemp and Sian Welby discussing mental health. To say I was moved is an understatement. Not only did he touch on his own personal journey and struggles with his mental health but also the impact of his best friend taking his own life last year. Roman spoke about what we can do as a society to prevent more deaths, the little and big things, to support our family and friends that may be struggling.
We as a country are in crisis with hundreds of adults and children being lost to suicide every day and unfortunately the UK receives very little government funding to help with this situation. In fact, the World Health Organisation has stated that one person dies every 40 seconds from suicide worldwide. A statistic that I find astounding.
Did you know that when one person takes their own life it traumatically effects 180 people around them causing a ripple effect of pain. This also then demonstrates to others that this may be a viable way out for them too. Not only are we dealing with the grief of the person we have lost but the carnage that effects the people that loved them. Suicide is not the Hollywood representation we see on our film screens. 95% of people do not write a note. There is often no explanation or warning, leaving their loved ones reeling with shock, pain and often anger.
Prevention and awareness of mental health needs greater education within our school system. Again, there is little funding, and despite reports of children as young as 6 struggling with their mental health, school are wary of shedding light on such a taboo and distressing subject.
Did you also know that by the age of 16 teenagers (especially young men) have already determined how much of their inner world they are willing to share with their family and friends. Toxic masculinity is accountable for much of this. So its essential to get in front of children and to start teaching them and creating healthy habits in speaking up now.
Coaching teenage boys remains a highlight of my coaching career. Wow are they are tough crowd to crack initially, but once you gain their trust and get them to open up, I was humbled and fascinated by their beautiful minds and their views on the world around them. Our coaching conversations then starts better communication within their peer group. They feel heard, they feel witnessed and they feel supported and crucially then know how to support each other. It just has to start with one conversation.
According to Roman and a charity he was working with in Nottingham, 90% of calls for support are from women seeking help with their mental health. However, 95% of men actually carry it through. These Statistics demonstrate that while women are better at seeking help, men are less likely to share or look for a solution and are far more determined and direct in reaching the conclusion that this is the only way out of their pain.
Simple things can make a difference. Really push that friend that you are concerned about. Make it uncomfortable if you have to. As a society we are unwilling to make others feel uncomfortable or rock the boat because it makes us feel uncomfortable too. This is not the solution. Better to be a persistent irritant than a friend that wishes they’d asked more questions or reached out before it was too late.
Another interesting tip I took away from the evening was that as a woman if you are concerned about a boyfriend or husband talk to their friends. It’s far more likely their friend will know if there is an issue as often men do not want to appear vulnerable to the partner, they feel they should be the strong provider for. If the friend also isn’t sure, get them to start pushing buttons, they may be more successful than you.
One of the easiest and most simple tips that Roman gave the room was asking someone ‘are you ok?’ twice. Asking twice in a conversation gives them more than one opportunity to really speak about what’s on their mind. Get the mundane chit chat out of the way and then go in again. Their answer may surprise you. I challenge everyone that reads this post to try this with a couple of friends this week.
Roman said that despite no suicide being alike, the only common denominator amongst everyone he has met or interviewed for his documentary was that they all seemed so happy to the outside world. They were all experts are wearing shiny, positive, successful masks. The person that took their own life was the head girl, the captain of the football team, the successful producer . . . This only tells me the importance of checking in on the people you care about because we never truly know unless we get down to the bones of it.
It takes a very brave person to stand in front of an audience and be so vulnerable and Roman made it very easy for the audience to open up and share their experiences. He handled what is a very upsetting subject choice with sincerity and authenticity that we were all really grateful for.
I know that this post isn’t the prettiest of subjects, but I always find that it’s the things we avoid discussing that often needs our attention most. Please today, reach out to that person you’ve been concerned about, make the phone call you’ve been putting off, make the plans with that friend you haven’t seen in ages. Remind that person of how loved and how precious they are to you. You could be providing a valuable lifeline to someone in desperate need.
If you yourself are struggling and do not know where to turn text Shout on 85258, which is a free confidential text support service for anyone in the UK.